Why I’m Scared to Leave Quarantine
If you’re reading this and you have been quarantined for nearly a month and a half, then you may not like where this article is going but, if I’m being totally transparent, I am not ready to leave quarantine. While the better part of the masses is excited to get back to regular life or “the way things used to be,” I have been on the complete opposite side of the argument and could openly use at least two more months inside. By now you are probably wondering why? It’s not that I don’t miss restaurants, being able to access stores and services more easily, or simply not having to fear for my life on every single grocery run all whilst wearing a mask and gasping for air. It’s just that, if I’m being honest, quarantine has actually saved my life.
How often have you thought about killing yourself? That is probably not a question you get asked frequently. Prior to quarantine, I was down to that passing thought occurring only a few times a week. Two months before that, I was thinking about it daily. Thinking about killing myself has been common place for me for what feels like my entire life. Largely due to unaddressed mental health issues but, thanks to quarantine, I have realized that it was also due to an extreme lack of rest.
A lack of rest, not sleep. This is a very important distinction. I have slept a lot in this life and like most of us, it has not always been restful. What I am talking about, however, is true genuine rest; a spiritual rest. A waking each day at one’s natural body timing and prioritizing one’s needs and those around you in accordance to your innermost rhythm. Quarantine is shown me that I don’t actually want to die, I just desperately needed a spiritual rest. Quarantine has given me clarity.
It also has given me the capacity for deeper conversations with those that matter. Recently, a friend of mine who has been suffering with insomnia for most of his life, said that quarantine has made him realize that his insomnia is simply just a part of him and that having this space has allowed him to accept himself for who he is. While he is still not sleeping, he manages to have energy and adequate rest throughout the day by simply embracing his body’s natural rhythm. Pre-quarantine, his insomnia was a source of pain and frustration; starting everyday from a place of failure for having not slept the night before. This feels much like what I experience as a person with anxiety and depression. Starting everyday less than who I want to be and going to a job that expects all of me.
I lost someone during this quarantine to covid-19. My sorority sister named Renee-Rose Garcia. In talking with my sisters in trying to process this tragedy, I learned that toward the end of her battle with the virus and other health complications, she chose to be ventilated. I also learned that in choosing that, she almost guaranteed her passing. Something she was keenly aware of. I sat with that for a few days.; wondering why my friend chose ventilation, or another words, chose to stop fighting. Renee, who was always known as a vivacious, never-ending, fighter (I mean she was a badass power lifter just for context) chose the way she wanted things to end. It was her decision and she chose rest. Something I have come to deeply respect, giving me just one more reason to admire her again in this life.
I tried to think of what I would do in her situation. Struggling for air and fighting pain. I would want rest. I would want peace and contentment. I would want my spirit to be able to dance and be free. I would want to exist in my natural knowing that I had lived and loved fully. I believe that’s what Renee wanted. I believe that’s what I wanted every single day leading up to quarantine and why I am afraid to go back to regular life. For once in my life, I have found true rest. While I am out of a job, I have never felt more valuable. I have found the value in valuing myself in my rawest form. With no where to go each day, I have examined what I have chosen to do with that time. I’ve made art in more ways than one, I’ve cared for loved ones, and I’ve managed to keep in contact with, celebrate with, cry with and mourn with everyone in my life that matters. While it may sound like a millennial pipe dream, I believe that is all we are actually meant to do. I am in no rush to get back to not having this feeling every single day. The feeling of a dancing spirit. A spirit at rest.
The way things were before wasn’t working for me. It wasn’t working for a lot of my friends. When you really think about it, was it working for you? I am not sure what life is going to be like when this is over. One thing I am certain of, is that my gratitude for quarantine will never go unexpressed. Quarantine has given me myself back. It has given me peace and perspective; two priceless things. While it has also taken priceless things, like sisters, fathers, mothers, and friends, it has highlighted for all of us what and whom actually matters.
While I relish in what might be my last month inside and slowly become more comfortable with our inevitable return, I will continue to search for ways to cultivate a future life that would be fit for Renee; or what I think she would want. A life of peace and contentment,; a life of fullness and love. A life where I show up for myself and as myself each day. It is in this space where I now know, my spirit does its best work and also, can rest.
If you or someone you know is suffering with suicidal thoughts or ideations, you can find help at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.
In loving memory of Sister Renee-Rose Garcia, Delta Mu, Epsilon Chi, Delta Phi Epsilon Sorority.
